I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
