How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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