3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
