The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
