Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
my being single is dangerous.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
