As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Randomize
