I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
