What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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