You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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