Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
