Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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