i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
