I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
