She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
