she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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