It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
