I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
