he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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