kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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