I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
