She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
