So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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