Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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