By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
