I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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