last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
