My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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