god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
