she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
