i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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