I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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