I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
