I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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