plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
