Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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