Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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