I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize