mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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