I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
