I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
