he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Let's paint friendship bongs
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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