I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
