You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
