i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
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