It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
