im drinking this country out of the recession.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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