the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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