I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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