The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
