don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
