I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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