My hand turned me down
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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