That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
