Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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