I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I think my moral compass just broke
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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