The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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