i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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