im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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