dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
